Who am I?
Just over a year ago, in spring of ‘23, I had a vivid and life altering dream. In the dream I was in Amsterdam, walking the street of a red light district when I connected with a prostitute. Come with me, dream me said, I’ll protect you and take care of you, just let this go. The ‘this’ was sex-work. In the dream, her and I travelled a ways into the country where she stayed at my house; a family home. Her and I became like sisters. Time past in dreamland, until eventually other women started coming to the home. Women who were homeless, parolees, domestic abuse victims, and so on; and some time after that, a second home was built for men.
Then I woke up. It was the most beautiful and satisfying dream I’d ever had, but I tucked it away for the future, because surely it wasn’t something I could do now.
Or, so I thought.
Fast forward a year and God brought this dream back to my heart in a powerful way. I had to go to Amsterdam! This was a daunting conviction and I had so many questions, but God was patient and gracious to instruct.
“When do I even leave?” I cried out in prayer standing at my kitchen sink. I wanted to go, but the unknowns filled me with doubt. Six Months was Holy Spirit’s undeniable answer. “Okay.” I agreed, calming down; that was one unknown out of the way. “But for how long?” 12 Months was Holy Spirit’s next undeniable instruction. I was overjoyed.
Now, a six month dead line puts my fly out date in the second week of February ‘25 and I need your help to make that happen!
Someone with a heart for the broken, because that’s who I was when God found me.
ready to help?
If not, How’s we start at the beginning…
An Origin story
once upon a very long time ago…
Things weren’t like they are now
They say what you don’t know can’t hurt you. That’s a lie.
I’m sure people mean well, but it’s what I can’t remember that set me on a path of total self-annihilation; and only God could get me out. I’m ever grateful that He did. Though, as much as I suffered, I wouldn’t change anything. God took all the pain, grief, and confusion and transformed it into wisdom, compassion, and strength. Now, I know, beyond all doubt, that the declaration that sex can be casual, transactional, and with no strings attached is also a lie. If what I can’t remember and couldn’t understand set me on a crash course with self-destruction and addiction, imagine what it does to a person who is conscious and comprehending.
“But consent changes everything”
It actually doesn’t.
Consent is not a magic wand that ‘disappears’ the damage caused by sexual acts outside of God’s design. Saying yes only helps act as a suppressant post-act because the realty is often too difficult to face. The world lied to you. And you may even have lied to yourself. One sexual act outside God’s design can be a startling and harsh reminder that sex is never casual. Especially not for women. It certainly is not a commodity to be sold, no matter how many red lights go up.
“I have never…met a woman involved in prostitution who wanted to be there. And yet had you asked me that question at the time I would have lied to you. I would have told you I was making a choice and gone to great lengths to hide the reality of my abusive partner, my drug addiction and the depth of trauma I was experiencing. Lying to others helped me to lie to myself...A certain amount of denial and disassociation is often necessary just to survive."—Michelle Kelly, Nordic Model Now
“I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt trapped in the industry and it made me feel so alone and so sad. I wanted a “normal” life…I didn’t want to give random men access to my body anymore. I didn’t want to pretend, every day, to be okay with clients who played out their worst fantasies on me.” — Esperanza Fonseca, sex trade survivor, on the harms and trauma experienced as a sex-worker (CAASE.ORG).
DID YOU KNOW?
Approx. 68% of sex-workers struggle with depression.
“Research discovered that drug use & addiction spikes AFTER sex-work participation begins. It seems that sex-work incites drug addiction more than drug addiction incites sex-work. No doubt as a form of dissociation and escape on the part of the sex-workers.”
I didn’t know any of this at first
After nearly three decades with PTSD, depression, dissociative tendencies, and some terribly unhealthy escape habits, God did me a solid. I was driving down the highway when I heard this voice say, like it was no big deal, “Why not kill yourself?” And then my world opened up! I was standing on a precipice, and far below was a deep pit I was all too familiar with. It was depression. I'd been depressed, to varying degrees, for twenty years, but that pit was very specific; and I'd been inside it only once before. I stood there, in the spirit, staring down at the darkness. I knew if I fell into it again I would kill myself. So, I pulled over and called the veteran’s affairs center in the next town over and made an appointment. I had to wait almost five months, but by the grace of God I made it.
It was there that I recounted my struggles and grief; and it was there that I learned about sexual trauma, abuse, and depression.
I had never been trafficked, but I had traded my body in exchange for attention, comfort, and to commit acts of self-harm. The damage, which began before I was three, was deep; but God is the greatest healer of all.
And He put His hands on me…
He saved me before He saved me
Recovery was a long and winding road; and, at first, I didn’t know God was apart of it. I kind of believed in Him, in that back burner, what’s it got to do with me sort of way. But, He was endlessly patient. Getting me to therapy and off the road to suicide was step one. But, even though He’d saved me from myself, I wasn’t even curious about Him.
Until one day that voice came back. This time, I was driving through town when it said, “Why not just not believe?” Another pit opened in the spiritual realm. Only this one was different. It was total separation from God, and it terrified me. Even more than the pit of suicide. My heart and soul reeled back with a new conviction—I needed God.
See, up to that point, I was being seduced towards intellectual atheism. I wasn’t aware of that until the spiritual pit opened and I saw where this second road led. Now I knew I could never live in a world without God. Total separation was not an option, but I also had no interest in religion.
Turned out, religion wasn’t what God had in mind either.
Relationship was better than therapy
Therapy did me a lot of good, but the world can never fully heal the hurts made by the world. Healing my deepest wounds, revealing my own accountability, and teaching me about divine love were things only God could do. I didn’t enjoy hearing that I was responsible for my life choices. I wanted to play the victim and blame others. But, although others were responsible for wounding me, I was responsible for healing; and I had, to that point, straight up refused.
But, thank God for God!
In March of 2021, I repented of my sins, committed my life to Jesus, and was reconciled to God through Christ. It was an awesome and surreal moment when Holy Spirit spoke these words so unexpectedly, “You’re redeemed.” I didn’t even know what that meant. What did redemption have to do with repentance?
I’d soon learn that and more.
Unbeknownst to me, I was strapped in for the roller coaster ride of a lifetime. I was on fire for Jesus! Watching two, sometimes three sermons a day. I was always in His word, praying (or learning too), and constantly seeking relationship.
Then the real healing began.
Out of the honeymoon & into the fire
Perfect bliss lasted maybe three months. I once wished it would have lasted forever, but then I would never have healed, grown in faith, or matured as a person. It’s the fire that strengthens us, and also reveals the impurities, allowing for edification and our continued conformation to His image. But fire never feels good while you’re in it.
In time, I’d realize that how we are in relationships is how we are with God. Trust issues run vertical as well as horizontal; and so does everything else. Now, I’d been praying for relationship with Jesus, but there were quite a few obstacles that needed dealing with if I was to go from a superficial knowledge to a deep and intimate love. Being the ever faithful Father, God lit the furnace. The season of refinement had begun!
He revealed to me my issues, one after the other, as they manifested emotionally and behaviorally. I tried to combat them in my own power, suffering many manic highs and devastating lows. Repeatedly crashing and burning right back into the sin I was trying to avoid. One day, I laid in bed weeping over my own weakness and failures, certain this time God would finally be done with me. Afterall, I was nothing; a failure, a loser, and I’d finally made Him see that. But, as I lay there hating myself, His quiet affirming voice came through, “You’re still my sheep.”
Thus ended the hardest and most difficult refinement season of my life, but it hasn’t been the only pivotal moment in my walk with God.
REVELATION 21:8
